For those who know me best this is overdue..............
I love Christmas! But not so much this year. My Mom passed away in July after nearly eighty-four years on this earth... and a better woman (mom) this world has not seen. Up until now my feelings have either been numb or scrambled to the point that I have been unable to put pen to paper to expunge my hurting.... until maybe now.... on Christmas Eve.
All the while that I am writing this the children's voices singing "no more war if you want it" from John Lennon's "So this is Christmas" is stuck on replay in my mind's ear. (I fervently believe that God reveals His message to us only when our heart and our head is ready to receive). So.... now I feel the need to write.
For the happiest season of all, I like so many, am just torn apart with feelings that are raw and exposed. In addition to our loss of a loving mother (and grandmother), so many close to me are suffering through dependency issues, incarceration, broken or breaking marriages, debilitating financial woes.... anger ....and so much more. To some degree I feel some of each of their angst.... but its alright God has taught me thats how He built me...... (another story for another time).
I have said before that everything is personnal. Holding on to that thought it seems to me that God is telling me that is even true about war.... do you hear it yet?..... "war is over, if you want it"? Ive heard God, in His own way tell me that.... my "war" is over.... if I want it. In fact each of us have that same ability. Our war can be over if we want it! Its personnal..... Each of us war (use as a verb) everyday.... but it can be over but to do so would mean that we have to stop doing the same thing we've done every other day of our life.... and that AIN'T an easy thing to do. Even as I write this and firmly believe it to be a message/gift from God, I am uncertain that I can or even want to stop waging the internal wars Ive sadly grown accustomed to waging. Its oddly similar as to when we have a spot that hurts each time we touch it and.... what do we do? We keep touching it!!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH US !!!!!!
To sum this up... for me anyways.... Im tired of war..... the waging of it inside my own being, my own heart.... and Im gonna do my very best to stop..... The first thing I am gonna really try to do to start me on that path is to adhere to a wise saying..... "You can't be offended if you don't take offense".... God help me! Afterall.... between me and Him..... its personnal.
Love and Merry Christmas